Feeling Griefy Podcast

I’ve started a podcast! Here are some descriptions of each of the episodes we have recorded so far… and here is the link to listen

Introducing Feeling Griefy:

Welcome to something I’ve been working on for a few months now, with my wonderful friend Patrick. It’s something I feel nervous to share because it’s really quite personal, but it’s also something I’m proud of. It’s an attempt to explore the minutiae of an experience I wanted to google after my Mum when I was 20 and it dawned on me that I even though I was technically ‘grieving’, I had no idea what that actually meant.

How long does it last? How does it mix with other intense feelings? Why do I feel completely fine after something so sad has just happened? The questions went on and on and on.

This episode introduces the whole Feeling Griefy series. We talk about why I decided to start a podcast, what ‘feeling griefy’ even means and why the podcast artwork is a coffee and a croissant. I even go on a slight tangent about how to make my Mum the perfect cup of tea.

Friends:

This is the first episode we recorded. I turned up at Patricks house with some homemade (and quite dry) flapjacks, slightly sweaty and red faced from the tube. After Patrick had made us both a cup of tea, we sat down on his sofa and started chatting. This episode is all about the mixture of grief and friendships.

I was 20 when my Mum died, and in my second year of university. I remember the mixed feelings I had going ‘out’ for the first time… wondering whether it looked like I wasn’t mourning my Mum. But also, being in such a numb state I wasn’t even sure whether I was feeling sad. I had no idea what I was feeling.

I wanted to explore how grief intertwines with friendships, particularly in your twenties when a lot of friends haven’t experienced a loss of this magnitude. Patrick asks me about how I told my friends my Mum had died, and what a ‘good’ reaction looks like (if there is such a thing). We also talk about why I never wanted it to mean friends couldn’t talk about more ‘trivial’ things. But also, how your friends can’t exactly say ‘there’s plenty more fish in the sea’ like you might do if someone is going through a breakup…

Relationships:

Welcome to my relationship history, featuring grief… a whole decade of it. This episode of the podcast is all about how the intensity of grief mixes with the intensity of relationships. Grief demands vulnerability and so do relationships and at times, this can be a tricky one to navigate.

We talk about how I could prepare for a breakup in a way I didn’t prepare for my Mum dying. I go off on a tangent about therapy, and how I managed to make it back from Peru the day after finding out my Mum had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer (something that involved three planes, a missed flight and a lot of crying).

Work:

You might think this would be the least interesting episode, but if anything the ‘workplace’ gives the best insight into the nuances of feeling griefy and really gets into the nitty-grittiness of this experience.

I talk about crying at work… and how you can’t exactly leave grief at home. What are the boundaries between work and home life and how do you manage them in your twenties? How can you casually mention that your mum died, when you meet someone on Zoom? I tell Patrick about how I wish grief could be like the flu and give me the sniffles and a cough, so I have an obvious reason to stay in bed. It’s harder to figure out how bad you feel when there is nothing to ‘show’ for it.

I also talk about the joys of crying, and skinny dipping in Greece worrying about having my bare bum on display…

Family:

Welcome to what is unintentionally the saddest episode of the series. We discussed the week before Mum died and the days afterwards…things I hadn’t spoken about for over 5 years. This is the episode I put off recording, and then put off listening back to.

Part of the reason I never talked to Mum about death is because I didn’t know how to. I thought that if we spoke about it, it would make it happen faster. I was also terrified about what it meant to die. My only reference point was what I saw in films… but in reality, it was calmer than that. Rather than wailing in the street after Mum died, my brothers and I watched episode after episode of Gavin and Stacey with a never-ending supply of croissants and treats.

This episode isn’t all sad. I tell Patrick about vodka shots in graveyards, why I should be a travel agent, and how many casserole dishes we stole from our neighbours.

Talking:

This is the final episode of this series of Feeling Griefy. It was a nice and relaxed one after the more emotional episode the week before.

Patrick and I chat about the process of talking about grief together… whether there are things I wish he hadn’t asked me and if at times, I was too open about my experiences. I also ask Patrick how it was to listen to me chat away about grief, and if he feels like I owe him money for being like a therapist for 6 weeks. Patrick also asks me about other topics I’d like to talk about, and I reel a whole long list off to him…. 

Please let me know if you have any reflections/thoughts/ideas - I’d love to hear them :)

Email me on FeelingGriefyElla@gmail.com